Deep frustration and sadness after finding the love of my life

Hi all, my name is Lucienne, i,m a 57 year old woman from The Netherlands. I,m so depressed and sad that i decided to search for a forum where i can write my feelings down. I had my thymectomie In 1985 so i have a long historie with MG. The operation was so succesfull that i decided to stop the Mestinon.I didn,t wanted to be a patient, i regret my desicion afterwards, but we all know the sideeffects of this drug and so i stopped. . That whole period of severe MG and the inability to speak eat or drink properly was a traumatising period and i developed severe PTSD from it. My whole personality changed. I developed an anxiety and depressive disorder, before that i was always healthy, strong,stable, social and outgoing. I had two long relationships and a relation/ marriadge of 23 years. After having to cope ( my choice he was overall very nice ) with a partner with BPD my energy and mental health became worse. After losing my dad in 2009 i had to become a caregiver for my mother who developed dementia. This was draining and heartbreaking.. My dog, my best friend died also at the same time. I became severely burned out from it and when i was so sick that i literally fell on the floor from mental exhaustion but despite that i kept going on as the loyal person i am. I did not wanted to leave her alone in those last years in a nursing home. My partner left me after 23 years because i was fysically and mentally a mess. After my mother passen away i was in much grief, and i ended up all alone. My burnout recovery started, it caused braindamage , i went much too far. I,m in my sixth year of recovery and i,m desperate. Last year i met the love of my life. Never expected that to happen on my age. My symptoms are mild, nobody sees or notices anything but i can feel it. Beeing crazy in love was so exciting . I told him what i have but nobody can understand MG, they think it,s a MS like disease. Strong emotions and stress can trigger symptoms. I was overweight and started excercizing like crazy to loose weight, that was a bad desicion , my burnout came back. And with that i developed muscleweakness in my moutharea. The reason i,m want to write this all down is that i,m starting to realise that i can,t go on in love, what once was normal isn,t anymore. I feel ashamed that i have MG , i feel not good enough, i don,t want to burden another man with my issues. All the things happened in the past, all the stress, the caregiving, the burnouts and loosing everything and everyone i had and loved and depended on has made me who i am today. I,m sad, depressed and angry that i can,t follow my heart and embrace love, i,m crazy about him.But as soon we interact i get nervous and scared and then i experience more symptoms. I visited a neurologist , i considered taking medication again but he said i,m too good and nothing will help me, the sideeffects of the drugs would be worse then the benefits if i would have them at all. So this is my story, i apologise for my english and i want to thank anyone who is willing to read my story from the bottom of my heart, God bless you all ,