What If?

I feel anxious and fearful. What if my symptoms come back? What if the medication stops working? What if I have to go back to surviving; hungry, tired, and unable to eat, see or breathe well? I'm scared. 

I wrote this in my journal the morning after I got my booster shot. I went through the side effects of fever, chills, and fatigue. I wasn't sure if the symptoms were reminding me of my symptoms from myasthenia gravis (MG), or if my symptoms were returning.

The journey to medical remission

In May 2021, I was symptom-free for the first time in 2 years. I had finally found a medication that worked, and I had my life back. For so long, I had felt out of control. I didn't recognize the person in the mirror. I couldn't work, take care of my children well, let alone pursue my hobbies and passions.

In June 2021, I started a part-time job. I started driving the kids to school and running errands again. I met with friends and launched a community project. My husband and I started volunteering at our church last weekend. My life was full and it had a rhythm.

Living in the unknown

The thought of these circumstances returning sent my mind down a rabbit hole. My chest felt tight and heavy. My heart sank like a sandbag in an ocean of possibilities. The familiar feelings of weakness and hopelessness flooded my soul. I couldn't imagine dropping my life again.

Three years into MG, I am still wrestling with the word "chronic." How does that factor in with all of my plans and dreams as a 30-year-old? MG is always in the back of my mind holding me back from pursuing what I believe will bring me fulfillment.

Fighting for hope

In the swirl of despair, there was only 1 thing that stopped the noise. Searching for gratitude. I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for experiencing medical remission. I am grateful for my family, the support of my community, and for the health of my children. Shifting my focus let the frightening thoughts fade away.

I believe joy and contentment can always be found in the present circumstances if I allow them to. Though these thoughts may always come up now and then, I hope over time I'll be able to pause before jumping down the rabbit hole.

Can you relate? What are your "what ifs"? I would love to hear them in the comments below.

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